The Problem With Internet Dating Sites, Part I

Let me sum up 99.9% of the female dating profiles on any website:

"Tired of the bar scene, want to meet someone real. Money is not as important as honesty, integrity, and ambition is. I never settle and truly want and deserve the best."

"Tired of the bar scene." Which part? Guys hitting on you, or the wrong guys hitting on you? Too fat, too ugly, too horny, too drunk? Hate to break it to you, but that "nice guy" you find online is the same guy who can turn into the booze-breathed, hormone-raging imbecile that wouldn't leave you alone last night once he gets out with his buddies. Sure, he may be more church-going and less of a party animal when he's in a relationship, but seriously, how are you really going to know whether that's true by reading a profile or by having a few coffee chats at Starbucks?

"Must be real." I'm going to assume here that "real" means "congruent", or more specifically that what they say matches what they do. Fair enough - no one like's a phoney unless they're a phoney themselves, but let's start with the commonly quoted 1968 study by A. Mehrabian, which concluded that only 7 percent of an initial impression is based on what's said. 38 percent is based on style of speech and 55 percent on body language. Based on that, how can you truly know what's real or not real about somebody by reading a profile or having a few "honeymoon period" dates? You can't. The body language and congruency simply isn't there.

In the Internet world and even during the honeymoon dating period, body language can't accurately be determined. There's too many factors in the way - nervousness towards a new and untried way of meeting people, meeting a total stranger, intimidation due to the "wow factor" of that other person, or simply all the things we're focusing and not focusing on thinking that this date might be a one-shot deal. For instance, constantly adjusting one's clothing - is that person vain, nervous, or self-conscious? You can't really know that, and thus, can't really know what's real or the truth. Best you can have is an educated guess.

"Money is not as important as honesty, integrity, and ambition is." How can you really tell if someone has honesty or has integrity? In a short time period, you can't. That's because you probably won't see the guy under stress or see them having to make an extremely difficult choice in adverse conditions, which are those situations where the qualities of honesty and integrity truly come forward. Instead, you'll typically accept polite as "honest", and a recent picture and accurate birthday or body description as "integrity". You'll also likely be surprised when the guy doesn't turn out like you thought or hoped he would. How many times have we heard, "I don't know what happened, he was such a nice guy"? This is why.

And what about money and ambition? In the short-term both can be validations of one other. Someone with a lot of ambition might have big dollars coming to him around the corner and on the other hand, someone might be where they are with lots of money as a result of their ambition.

Perhaps, but these can also be very misleading. Serial entrepreneurs, those with true ambition, may have gone broke or bankrupt a number of times, or they may appear by all accounts to be successful, yet are about to go broke. You just don't know in the short-term.

Have you really defined what "ambition" is for yourself? Is it simply energy, or passion for a project, or a basic desire to get ahead? What do they do when they've gotten there? How many times does a girl finally go out with a guy who's been chasing her for months, only to see him slow down and deflate into a couch potato once he's won "the prize"? Ambition, like integrity and honesty, is yet again one of those traits that you can only determine after a long period of time, and typically only after some sort of test of stress or adversity.

"I never settle and truly want and deserve the best." "I never settle." I love this one! Isn't it odd that the people you hear say that phrase most often have the crappiest dating history or currently the most drama-filled lives? It's because their standards are all out of whack. They don't know what true honesty is, integrity, ambition, or even wealth is. They could go for the millionaire only to find out that he's got 100 lawsuits for fraud right around the corner. They could go for "good looking" only to find themselves dumped for a younger, hotter version of themselves the day they get their first wrinkle. While it's true that winners are never satisfied with mediocrity, it's also true that they never mention it. The only people who repeatedly say this are those who are insecure and are trying to convince themselves of any one (or all) of these three things:

1) that they're actually not a loser in spite of how they feel

2) that they don't settle in spite of what they've done

3) that they know no other way to date other than to be egotistical and superficial about it.

They may in fact want and deserve the best, but they don't know what the best actually is when it comes to love and relationships. Women and guys who say that often seem to think that they've found the best guy/girl when they have them, but neglect to realize that they've simply got a snapshot of somebody - a Polaroid of where they are in a particular point of time in their lives and that's it. They put almost all the weight on what a person has or looks like while paying little if any attention (beyond lip service) to the characteristics underneath the image that either got them into the good situation they're in, or will get them out of a bad one.

Although Internet dating sites might give you some insight into this through what someone puts in their profile, the reality is that most are simply glorified used car ads and fan mail systems who are good for a few ego boosts and that's about it. They are places where someone can check out their looks against their competition, and have 100 people pining for them after being dumped just 24hrs earlier.

Of course, there are those truly are and live what they say in their profile, and aren't disillusioned. Many are friends who continue to be in very happy and successful relationships that they found online. But for the most part, I find these are the exception rather than the rule.

Ultimately, though, and perhaps what is most important, is that Internet dating sites tend to operate under the premise that you can tell a lot about someone in an instant, and know that they are right or wrong for you in the first few seconds. I used to be one of these people who thought that way, until I realized first that I don't want to know everything about a person in those first few seconds. Later, I realized that one truly can't. That takes time, and I could be missing the next few years, or even decades, of that person's true essence and special gifts in our relationship by quickly dismissing them over a false sense of "rules" and standards. I could be missing that magic moment or new spark in month 11, or year 18, or on our 50th anniversary that I think the poet Keats was referring to when he said of Fanny Brown, "You're always new."

Instead of worrying about how to meet or get to know someone quickly, instead, perhaps focus on ways to get to know someone better and use Internet dating sites for that. Use your head, go with your gut, but give them both time.